In Preparation for Finals

I saw a truly brilliant performance last night. Last year, some of my friends saw this band, Scythian (a DC-based celtic/folk/rock/world group), and none of them could stop raving about it. So this year, when one of those friends got excited for the band's return I knew I had to go.

That was a month or more ago, and since then schedules were reworked and finals were suddenly approaching and earlier this week while fighting the flu/bronchitis/fake pinkeye/whatever I really had, I found myself second-guessing if I really wanted to go or not. Needless to say, I told myself "go big or go home" and gathered all my energy and went out ready to enjoy the night.

After dancing for 2 and a half straight hours to a whole ton of fiddle, accordion (it's never looked like a more attractive instrument), and brass instruments in a never-looked-better 9:30 Club I felt ready to take on the world. So, in continuation of the campus-wide finals preparation advice-giving (mainly seen on our community blog), my final words (punny?) are to let it out before you hunker down. Get out your pent-up energy and frustrations and worries about your impending doom and get ready to vanquish your finals.

for more (hilarious) advice on surviving this biannual apocalypse check out these posts seen on our AU Chi Alpha Community Blog (aka something you should be regularly reading):

Tips from Your Most Ardent Studier {aka mbd}

The Freshman's (and Any Other Student's) Guide To Finals {from yours truly}

A Guide to #clublibs {by the #clublibs expert, symph}

Remembering Answered Prayers

The campus ministry I'm a part of (Chi Alpha) has started this mega-saccharine community blog. This week we focused on various thanksgiving-themed posts and I had the pleasure of being able to contribute again. So here's a preview and a link to the original post on the site. And I'd encourage you to check back to it regularly because we've all got something important to share.

My small group just finished a three week study on Esther. It's a short book so I encourage you to go read it to get the full story but the basic gist of what happens is that Queen Esther saved her people (she is Jewish, by the way).

Y'know, all in a day's work.

So, Hamon (our antagonist and the king's right hand man) has a bone to pick with Mordecai (Esther's father figure; another Jew who has been a faithful worker in the kingdom for several years) because Mordecai refuses to bow down to Hamon as he pridefully commands. As the story continues, not only is Mordecai put on the kingdom's death list but so is the entire Jewish community. So Esther must use her favor with the king to appeal to him that her people must be spared. One of the prevalent themes in the book of Esther is God's provision, but the beauty of the story is a lack of a physical presence of God. Instead, his provision is seen through a series of "twists of fate". So at the end of the story, all the wrongs are righted. Hamon pays his dues and the king reissues decrees making it illegal to kill the Jews now. But the story doesn't just stop there. The last chapters are dedicated to recording the establishment of the Festival of Purim.

FINISH THE STORY.

God is not our last resort.

God is not your last resort.

He is not the one you call on when you're at your wit's end,

the end of your rope,

your last act of desperation.

We are not to make pleas to Him saying that although we don't believe in Him, if He could make this one thing happen,

we could go on living.

I am not saying He's distant,

sitting on some shadowed throne, aimlessly moving the chess pieces of our world from square to square.

I am not saying He is powerless or without care.

In fact, I am pleading the opposite case.

He is so full of glory we cannot even see His face.

The God I know is closer than my own heartbeat,

and more powerful than the winds of the strongest hurricane.

The God I know wants what's best for me, every day of my life.

He wants a relationship with me,

but I tell Him He's my last resort.

I tell Him I don't need Him day after day,

that it's my way or the highway.

That just because I can't see His plans scribbled in my moleskine,

I get scared and think He's not around.

When I place my class rank above my spiritual health,

I tell my creator that He's not good enough to save me.

That He doesn't know what's best for me and I can write my own prescriptions, thank you.

God is not my last resort.

He is in every flower that blooms,

every leaf that falls.

He pulls the sun up each morning and lays it to rest each evening.

Although the rains fall, and the thunders roll,

there is always a rainbow to behold.

God is always there.

In the midst of every heartache,

every tear that's shed,

every doubt we act on.

He will never leave nor forsake us.

He even reaches into the deep to save us.

And this is why God is not my last resort,

He is my strength and my light,

my reason and my purpose.

But I'm prone to wander and I'm prone to leave this God I love,

So here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it - seal it for Thy courts above.

Counter Cultural: give until there's nothing left.

As I was filling my smartrip card today, a man came up beside me and asked if I could fill the rest of his farecard so he could make it to whatever stop he needed to get to. I absent-mindedly said yes because I was preoccupied with the machine in front of me and had assumed he was a tourist asking how to get a farecard, but when I was done I realized he was asking me for money. Our natural instinct in this situation is to hold on even tighter to what we have and I was taken a little aback when I realized what he was asking for, but he had noticed that I was using my credit card so there was no backing out of the situation. So after I was done, I added the $3.60 he needed to complete his metro trip and then he left - with hardly a word, and in less time than it took to run up the Tenleytown escalator. I was left a little surprised by this encounter but just shrugged it off and continued on my way when my friend who was with me turned and said "That was nice of you." I didn't feel like I deserved the affirmation, because had I been given more time to think or if he had been on the side of the street asking for the money, I would've thought up some excuse and just continued walking. But, this is exactly what we're called to do:

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." -Luke 6:35

I am not sharing the experience in search for praise and attention, but I'm sharing the experience because it's something I struggle with so I'm sure others do to. If we were given those extra seconds to decide to give or not, I'm sure most of us would say no. And, to quote myself from my previous blog post:

i am walking onwards.

i refuse to become stagnant.

it is Christ who compels me to love and live.

to love until i have nothing left,

to live with my final breath.

to give of myself until the goblet is empty,

only to be overflowed by the purest of waters.

So really, I'm just taking the public opportunity to throw my own words back at myself and to keep myself accountable. We hear so often "Ask and you shall receive" but we forget that in receiving, someone else has to give. Jesus gave everything so we might receive life. He doesn't ask us to literally go up on a cross to die for someone else - but in a way, he does. He calls us to give of ourselves, out our selfish nature, against our culture, in accordance with his teachings and his character. If we are true followers of Jesus, we are not just absorbing his teachings from afar, but we are to engage with them on a real level - like unexpectedly giving someone $3.60 of metrofare.

this is what my heart looks like when worn on my sleeve:

if my identity determines my steps,

what determines my identity?

where is the mirror to tell me who i am or who i should be?

when i introduce myself to you, who am i claiming to be -

a child of the world

or a child of God?

do my actions reflect my heart?

does my heart reflect my maker?

i stand at the edge of a gorge yelling

WHO AM I CALLED TO BE?

all too often i find myself drinking out of the goblets of self

of dreams

of relations

of travel

i look for my worth behind the stained glass of status and prestige.

am i studying the right thing?

am i friends with the right people?

am i in the right place?

but whose lens am i looking through?

there are two paths i face:

two roads,

two choices.

one will cause me to shrink and cower

the other will allow me to flourish,

like the rising sun that shines -

AWAKE, MY SOUL

RISE AND SING.

you were made to meet your maker!

it's better to live than to hide!

why would i wait til i die to come alive?

I'M READY NOW, i'm not waiting for the afterlife.

oh, how i desperately long for the comfort of the past semesters -

the rainy music-filled nights,

the many bodies crammed in small spaces,

the talks that last throughout the setting sun -

but, my friends -

i must take this time to flourish and to stand, uniquely created and uniquely called.

this is my awakening:

my anthem of truth.

i stand at the edge of the gorge to yell

but with my frantic sound waves comes back a louder response

to remember who i am and live in full confidence of my identity.

my identity. my nametag. my heart. my mindset.

the thing that haunts me so

is CHRIST.

Christ who died to set me free

Christ who died so i may live.

he has given me the pen and compels me to write

to write pages and pages of splotched ink,

to weave ideas into actions and actions into stories.

to teach, to love, to learn, to grow.

to be inspired and to pay it forward.

i am walking onwards.

i refuse to become stagnant.

it is Christ who compels me to love and live.

to love until i have nothing left,

to live with my final breath.

to give of myself until the goblet is empty,

only to be overflowed by the purest of waters.

this is my awakening.

to be fully alive and aware of my life.

to be at peace with not having the answers,

with not seeing the whole map in front of me.

to live in the pursuit of dreams,

knowing that every painstaking step i take brings me closer to who i am,

and who i will be.

i am living up to my own character description,

answering my own casting call.

i have been given the stage directions,

now all i need to do is as i'm told.

remove these shackles from my ankles.

no more hiding, no more holding back.

there is something inside of me just waiting to burst forth

and i will not be the one to stand in the way of that.

Project Optimism: A Dose of My Own Medicine

glory's waiting outside your window

wake on up from your slumber,

baby, open up your eyes.

-needtobreathe

There are a few things I like to do in this life. (Well, there's really more, but for the intents and purposes of this blog post, there's only a few.) I like to pretend I have a twitter by hashtagging random sayings in my facebook statuses. I like to find hope and rainbows in cloudy days and demeanors. And I like to write lists in my moleskine notebook.

Another thing I like to do in this life, is call myself an optimist. Granted, in the midst of a situation I tend to see things very black and white. It's either gonna work out or it will fail and I'll either be at peace or I'll be completely miserable. But, even when I overwhelm myself I know deep down that things will work out because "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). And when I looked up the actual meaning of optimism, I agreed with my self-description.

Being optimistic is not necessarily being joyful in every situation. I think that is a common misconception. Optimism is seeing the good where others fail to. It is seeing the potential in someone and having the hope that it will be reached. I believe optimism is a choice. For everyone. It is a lifestyle. Optimism is being "hopeful and confident about the future or the successful outcome of something". Enter #projectoptimism.

It all started early in the summer when I gave a friend the challenge to find something good in every day. I thought I was so clever in coming up with this challenge, but taking the challenge myself wasn't something that crossed my mind until a couple weeks ago. I think because I don't deal with depression on a regular basis, I forget that optimism/pessimism is a mindset that I am largely in control of. Of course there will be days when I'll think the world is just simply out to get me! I am human. I am described by many different words and my mood changes daily, even hourly. But I refuse to let that become a constant in my life.

You see, all the time we focus on our inadequacies, our insecurities, our fears, the improbable what ifs in a situation.... We dig ourselves a rut that can seem near impossible to get out of, the walls lined with the lies and discouragements of the world that we forget to look out for the positive encouragement God gives us every day. It can be the WORST day of your life, but you're still alive.

weeping may go on all night,

but joy comes with the morning

psalm 30:5

•

the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness

lamentations 3:22-23

We all fall into the trap of clinging to the bad and forgetting the good. How many times have you had a great start to the day and then one little thing - like the Dav's espresso machine being broken or a bit of rain on your (semi) perfectly coiffed hair - turns your day right around? Once that instance happens, it seems to wipe our memory clean and all we can focus on is that bad moment and how nothing is going right.

We were discussing this is small group those weeks ago and this is what brings us full circle. As one of our girls brought up, Philippians 4:8 tells us to "Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." But how often do we really do this? It was in that moment that I - rather spontaneously - decided to give not only my small group the same challenge I gave my friend before, but this time, I took it myself.

So now we have "Project: Optimism". I never intended it to become "a thing". I thought I was the only member of our small group who actually took this challenge to heart, honestly. I immediately made a list in my notebook and affectionately called it "Project: Optimism" simply because I really like naming things. At the end of every day, I forced myself to process its events. What had I done that day? But more importantly, what was good about that day?

Take this blog post as my invitation to join this challenge. As I said before, I believe optimism is a choice and a lifestyle. I don't care what kind of a diagnosis you've been given. We have the power to overcome the let-downs of this world, because guess what? Jesus already has. He calls us to rise up and to take our place beside him as we go out in his name to do the work of our father. To reclaim this earth for everything that is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and worthy of praise.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,

let us also run with endurance the race which has been set before us,

fixing our eyes on Jesus - the author and perfecter of faith -

who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame,

and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-2

•••

Standing straight is not just proper etiquette.

hope which was lost

now stands renewed

There is power in our stance. On Christ the solid rock we stand. We stand before a judge. We take a stand when we own up to something. We stand out when we are different. We stand up to someone. I find so much wonderful imagery in the word stand. And what's more is that it's a verb. That means it's an action. We can't stand if we're tired; it requires energy. We stand firm, we stand strong - like a tree, rooted to the ground for centuries, standing tall and majestic in a forest - this is how we are when we have the power of Christ coursing through our veins. The dictionary defines stand as "to have or maintain an upright position supported by one's feet". And as we see in Ephesians 6, when we put on the armour of God we are instructed to "as shoes for your feet, ... put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace" (v15 - ESV). So let us stand in full confidence of what we've been delivered from and who we've been created to become. Let us embrace the processes of life, standing tall and firm because we choose to root ourselves in the word and character of God, standing strong in our laced up boots of peace and we will not be shaken.

no power of hell, no scheme of man

can ever pluck me from his hand

til he returns or call me home

here in the power of christ i'll stand.

Jon Foreman, wordsmith

"There is no way out. We were born into the fight. Every noble pursuit will cost you: justice, wisdom, strength, marriage, children -- you will pay for these with your breath, your tears, your blood, even your life. We're all in this together -- fighting to make sense of the madness, to make our lives count. All of us are on a journey of desire. Longing, yearning, hoping, dreaming for a better day. But these dreams of ours are held in tension by the obstacles between where we are and where we hope to be. We are suspended in mid-air like a still life, a photograph. Frame by frame, we live our lives, forever stuck in the ether of the frozen now. Frame by frame we are frozen in the present between yesterday and tomorrow. Frame by frame we step forward towards the infinite unknown that only tomorrow can bring.

Between the dialectic of life and death we are pulled tight, stretched out like the strings of my guitar. We are forever in still-life. A delicate balancing act between the end and the beginning, between the consciousness and the dream, between the forgetting that we call birth and the remembering that we call death. We are the notes dancing from the strings of time, held firm between life and death. This is the polarity of our existence, pulled tight between despair and hope, belief and doubt. We are strung tight between our birth and the grave. Humanity is dancing on the fretboard in-between. Death will one-day cut the string. Until then, we live in the tension."

read the full article from The Huffington Post here.

Thoughts From Last Week

Pretending to be someone we're not prevents us from seeing the change we need.

If we are to believe that God has created us then we must also believe that He didn't make a mistake in our design. I don't mean to say that we don't need to learn to change and grow, but we must learn to become confident in who we are. How cliché, right? Just be who you are. But sometimes it's the clichés that hit us the hardest.

We all want to be something more, something different. If only I could pull off that latest style. If only I could play guitar. If only I could land that internship. And who can blame us, really? The abundance of self-help books, advertisements, and just about anything else out there on the streets points us to look at our inadequacies but fails to give us a solution.

But have hope - for we are not to be measured by the world's standards. Jesus came so we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

I don't like the phrase "starving artist"

I went to a set from the DC Shorts Film Festival today. It was great. Sitting there made me question (for the thousandth time) why I ever thought I'd want to move away from film. Making films and watching films that you can see the passion behind makes me genuinely happy. There was a Q&A session after the showing with most of the directors/writers of the films we saw. I, of course, didn't ask anything but those who did asked about the things I was wondering myself so it wasn't all a lost cause. One question was asked about how the filmmakers funded their films. Although most of the them looked relatively easy to make on a low budget, there's still a lot you have to think about budget-wise - extras, meals, film, props, make-up, not to mention paying the people you have working/acting/editing for you. The filmmakers' response: loans, loans, loans. I actually groaned audibly.

But for me, oddly enough, I'm excited with the idea of being "poor" or a "starving artist" or whatever other descriptive word is used. Maybe it comes from how I grew up or maybe it's a longing to live more simply. I don't know, but I know that once I'm actually living on my own (whatever that means), the funds are not going to be simply rolling in. I'm going to be traveling the world and making films about the people I meet. Let's just say right now I'm very thankful for a friend who gave me a great editing software and saved me $200.

So this is the new year.

But unlike the Death Cab for Cutie song, I feel pretty different. I've learned more about myself and others - especially God - and there's so much that's been going on lately that I can't feel the same for that would be stagnant. But in some respects I am still very much the same. I'm still struggling to decide on what I will major/minor in (as a junior); I still see the world through the lens of a camera; I still can't ask questions, and the list goes on and on. But it's been an interesting process, this clash of life. To be in a completely (for the most part) new place but still the same person. To know that I can't cop out because I have a responsibility and a duty to stay true to.

Well, the first week of classes has come and passed, welcome week festivities are over, we had our first 60 degree day in DC (woo!) but things are definitely not slowing down. They're flourishing all over the place and it's so exciting! After waiting a long and tedious summer for this fall semester I am so happy that it's finally here but more than the excitement of every freshman on AU's campus combined, I am so beyond words with how God's been answering our prayers. Our first TNW of the year came with a full house. Tons of freshmen have gotten quickly involved with Chi Alpha (our campus ministry) and I'm making new friends right and left.

I am also a small group leader this semester. My co-leader and I are leading a study on women's identity in Christ. We both believe there's a lot that needs to be said and tackled in that and it's admittedly scary taking a topical study approach and not having a cut and dry chapter by chapter book study to go off of, but there's adventure in that and well, we're both pretty adventurous people. I am going to try to blog every week before/after our meetings. Don't hold me to it, though, but I really do want to try to commit myself to that because I want to make our discussions and findings available to others since I know that a lot of women's issues (especially Christian women) need to be brought up to the community's attention. That being said, I will never ever label myself as a feminist so I'm finding this all to be very interesting. We would appreciate it if you would pray for our group, btw. We meet Tuesday evenings at 8pm (and if anyone reading would like to join - feel free!)

So these are the two major things I wanted to talk about. This fall is like a sunrise to me. It was a long and hard summer filled with more patches of darkness and confusion than I expected, but like any good long winter night it is followed by a stunning display of colour and brightness as the sun surely rises again. Be brave little champion.

A jealousy for not of.

I don't really know if I've ever been the one to accept the metaphorical baton in life, I feel like I've always been the one to pass it on again. So here I am stateside while a good portion of my friends are abroad. I was used to being a spectator on many of their relationships with others, listening to the frustrations and the hopes they have for their friends but not ever going past that because there was never a need to. Now they're abroad and I'm the one behind and I have to ask myself if I'm going to accept the baton they've - possibly unknowingly - passed on to me. For any of you reading, I want you to know that I am accepting this challenge. We are in this together and this is not just one man's fight. When one falls back, another steps forward. If one leaves, another takes his place. I am developing a jealousy for the potential of people I never envisioned myself having an unforced one-on-one conversation with and it's strangely empowering. Jesus built up his disciples to be fishers of men, he left us here on Earth that we may spread his truth and love. This is not just our dream by chance, it has been intertwined in our very hearts. This is who we are and what we do. We are to worship the one true God and to spread his love - the very definition he uses to describe himself. It is so wonderfully simple and yet so, so important.

So I want to leave off with that reminder, mainly because it's nearly 2:30 AM and I'd rather not try to continue to develop my thoughts but I appreciate any kind of feedback, I'd love to discuss this further. Have a good time of day, all - wherever you may be.

Thoughts of an almost-legal adult:

At twenty-one years of age, I know what it means to be loved.

I know what it means to come home to a family,

and I know what it means to leave.

I know what it means to be a frequent flyer

but I have no backyard tree to come home to,

no tire swing in the garden,

no wall with my height annually marked.

I know what it means to pay my own rent,

I know what it means to upkeep an apartment,

but I don't understand just barely getting by

because I know what it means to have a safety net at all times.

I know how to order textbooks,

but I've yet to learn to sell them back again.

I know what it means to care about a grade

but I don't know what it means to not have an education.

I don't know how to count my blessings,

but I do know how to take things for granted.

At twenty-one years of age, I know how to make friends,

but I'm learning how to keep them.

I don't know what relationships look like,

but my childhood friends are finding spouses.

I don't know what it means to be desperate,

I don't know how to ask for help,

I don't know what it means to be broken and on my knees,

but I'm learning. Oh, how I'm learning.

At twenty-one years of age, I can't identify with the loss others unjustly experience,

but I know how to listen and I know how to care.

Yet I don't know how to talk, and I can't look inside.

I know how to follow and I know how to lead,

I know how to give up and I know how to leave.

What I'm learning most now is how to stay put

and how to stay grounded no matter how long;

to keep my heels dug in the mud and not to let up

even when it goes against my self-preservation methods.

A summer of change, a summer of growth.

My apartment has become my home.

Although the things I've collected since I was a child are currently in Dubai, I hardly have any memories in that house. The city holds no more for me either and I can't remember the person who once used to sit on her chest of drawers looking across the sand lots to the busy Sheikh Zayed Road - pre-metrorail - where the Emirates Towers stood tallest in the skyline. I have grown so much since then yet that girl is still in me. Somewhere.

My family will be officially renting the home we have in Virginia for at least the next year. This means everything must go. While we only spent a few summers in that house and didn't really invest in fixing it up and making it truly ours yet, I have gotten used to its familiarity and it was a comfort to know that it was there even while my family themselves were so far away. Now, I'll know it's there, but being lived in by someone else. The house will be empty to me.

So, my apartment has become my home. Now, I come home to the district after weekends spent gallivanting in New York City - which will be forever magical and an odd sort of solace to me - and retracing steps that my friends have taken away from their own homes.

This summer has held a lot of firsts for me. My first trips to different cities along the eastern coast; attending my first friend's wedding; my first time spending a summer away from my family and coincidentally my first summer with a place to keep coming home to. For all the pain and confusion this summer has brought me, I am ultimately grateful for it. As I can't recognize that girl from the make-shift window sill in Dubai, it's even hard to recognize the person who packed up 615 and moved into 202 only a few months ago.

The beauty of sound

In the 1970s, a Frenchman named Claude Lelouch made a short film called C'etait un Rendez-vous (It was a Date). He made it by strapping his camera to the bottom of his car and driving around the early morning streets of Paris. The film was shot in one take and is just under 10 minutes because that's all that his camera could hold. A few years back, Lelouch allowed the band Snow Patrol to use some of the footage from this film for a music video for their song, Open Your Eyes (off the album Eyes Open). I didn't realize that the footage was from a short film, I just thought it was stock from somewhere random but I just watched C'etait un Rendez-vous today and was struck by how essential a soundtrack really is to a movie. It changes your mood completely. In C'etait un Rendez-vous, the only sound you hear is whatever sound the car makes (and it's quite loud). You feel more stress than you do the calm of an early morning drive, which leads you to think that this driver must be very anxious to get to the person he's about to meet up with. In the video for Open Your Eyes, the nature of the song makes you feel something more of a longing to be with the person at the end of the film, something more dormant than a high-speed car chase through old Parisien streets. Anyways, I found it very interesting so I'd like to share that with you all. I've posted the links to both of the films below so you can experience the difference for yourself and let me know what you

A bientôt!

•C'etait un Rendez-vous

•Open Your Eyes

All this weird beauty thrown right at me

I keep hoping towards some end result that might not even be the right one so I forget the process. I see my current circumstances as means to an end instead of something I should be truly enjoying. I feel like I am entitled to more, yet I am not. I don't even deserve what I have now. Yet God is so good and so graceful. God's goodness is an overflowing fountain. With coke, not water. With manzanita sol and everything better. I am so quick to ask for more and so slow to be thankful for - and even to recognize - what I have already been given. I shouldn't try to commandeer the story God is writing for me, but I should learn to steer and learn to see and learn to thank him for everything He's given me now.

So this is me letting go and letting God. This is me moving on.

This is me with so much more peace than I've experience all year, to be able to look up and say "We have progress," instead of "Houston, we have a problem."

If you could see me, whoever I am.

This is me saying there is no excuse to not live to my fullest extent. I will worship while I'm waiting. Even while I'm waiting, there are still praises to be sung.

Life is truly a series of journeys. We never stop moving, we never stop searching. The moment we stop is the moment we've given up and the moment we've given up is the moment we die. Unless we vow to shut ourselves up in a closet for the rest of our lives, we have a new experience every single day. And even still, some children found a whole other world by walking through a closet once upon a time.

So here's to standing up and looking around. To really taking in the world around me, to seeing the beauty of life that has been placed in front of me. No more ignoring, no more passivity. I'll know my name as it's called again.

Five days without Facebook

I haven't been on Facebook since Wednesday afternoon, and to be honest I don't really feel the need to sign back on (but I will). I had a lot of homework to catch up on for Wednesday and Thursday because I didn't do any during the holiday (go figure) - not only that, but I had some stuff I really needed to work through with God that I'd been ignoring (not recommended). So, as I signed off before class I told God that I would not log back on until after the weekend. I think I meant it as a joke when I first said it, but as the days went on I found out it was really what I needed.

What I re-realized this weekend is something that really hit me during women's retreat this past semester - how much we need these quiet moments with God. I think I can push things away and hide it under the rug. If only I ignore my problem, my frustration, or my thought for long enough it will go away. But it never works. I'm finding it better - better, not easier - to face these things when they happen. I don't have to shout it to the world, but I need to acknowledge my feelings of frustration or pain when they happen. To allow myself to feel them and to be able to move on instead of bottling up emotions to the point when they'll burst out unceremoniously from within me.

This week's Bible study topic was God's sovereignty and I found myself very aware that I have not been trusting God in my life. So I gave up a top excuse for not turning to Him in order to force myself to. I am horrible with confrontations, and it seems silly that that would carry through to confronting things in prayer - but my lack of tact in that area just seems to heighten when it comes to God. Silly, I know, since He already knows whatever I'll tell Him but difficult all the same. So, honestly, I didn't come to him until this afternoon. But God is patient. Anyways, all this to say that I'm turning things around. I needed this time to be able to shift my focus back to where it should be. I ask God time and time again to show me the plan for my life and to reveal dreams to me, etc. etc. but I ignore what He has equipped me with in the present.

I read this quote on a friend's Facebook status a few weeks ago and held onto it because I knew I would need to hear it again:

"Does it make sense to pray for guidance about the future if we are not obeying in the thing that lies before us today? How many momentous events in Scripture depended on one person's seemingly small act of obedience! Rest assured: Do what God tells you to do now, and, depend upon it, you will be shown what to do next."

-Elisabeth Elliot, Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion & Purity

It convicted me then and it convicts me now. Why do I set my sights so desperately upon the future if I ignore what is put in front of me right now? How do I think that will work? If I try to study for a test two weeks away without learning the things in the lesson for today, how can I except to succeed? I try to hold onto the dreams and plans I lay out for myself but I ignore what I've already been told I'm good at.

"In his heart, a man plans his ways

but the Lord determines his steps."

-proverbs 16:9

I guess the big point that I'm trying to get across is personal retreats. We usually realize we need some extended quiet time when we've already reached our limit of stress, but I want to challenge you (and myself) to plan ahead. I have this book called Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge which is filled with different "secrets" which are, as the front cover describes, "keys to igniting your personal time with God". I find it no coincidence that the chapter I read before going to sleep was The Secret of Time which led right into this morning's The Secret of Retreats. Sorge encourages us to take three day or more personal retreats and while I know there is value in that we also need to institute more regular times into our schedules. Whether it be staying off Facebook on certain days of the week, or establishing a daily hour with God - however it manifests itself, we need these intentional times away from what distracts us so easily from who we really need to be with.

So this is my challenge to you for this week - that you cut something out, or sacrifice otherwise idle time to just spend time with God. You know there's things you've gotta figure out and relinquish your hold on. So stop sitting around and thinking about how you want to talk about it, and just do it.

Tonight's the kind of night.

tonight's the kind of night

when everything could change.

-noah and the whale

I'm a dreamer. I make up stories and situations in my head and imagine myself in them, traipsing through African jungles, visiting orphanages with my husband. My sari trailing the red dust as I bargain in an Indian market. Photographing my experiences - chaos and love and corruption and change. Jumping on jet planes, some sturdier than others. Learning languages by stumbling through conversations with natives. There's so much I want to do in my life. So what's stopping me? Seriously. Can I walk? Yes.

Women's retreat this weekend really taught me to stand on my own two feet again. I'm a dreamer but I'm also adaptable, so much so that I find myself molding into the people around me. I'm my own person, I'm unique, I'm different from everyone around me. God has given me my own special dreams and I can live them out - without anyone else. I can be my own adventurer. But please don't misread this, we need community.

So here we go. I'm sticking my foot out there, somewhere. I don't know what kind of ground it's gonna hit - Jesus, guide my path. I'm going to DO - what, I don't know but I can't be used by God if I refuse to get off my butt because I'm a scared little child.

don't be shy,

be brave little champion.

it's better to live than to hide.

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Just in case anyone's interested:

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