Cookies

The other day I baked cookies. I followed the directions to the letter and made sure all my measurements were correct, but when it came time to spoon the batter out, it didn't look right at all. I double checked that I had done everything right, but I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. My friend who was in the kitchen with me jokingly (I assume) told me that what was missing was love. He was right.

Although I was following the recipe perfectly, I was baking begrudgingly. I had just come back from two hours of running errands which only would've taken me 10 minutes had the places I needed to go been closer to campus. Because of my prolonged errand run - for things that weren't for me and I deemed unnecessary - I was going to be late to the dinner I was making the cookies for. So when I was told my cookies were missing love, I had to laugh because it was true.

That simple joke got me thinking when I later recounted the story. How many things in life do we do without love - without emotion? We go through the motions of life and then are surprised to find out the result is not as it should be. Like when we do our homework in a rush just to get it over with and then find out after it's graded that we've made tons of stupid mistakes.

Or more seriously, our relationships with God. I think we've all been there before, just going through the motions and thinking we're alright. Because we can't see the future, we don't realize we're doing something wrong until we see the end result, or we are somehow made aware of the error of our ways. Thank God for those moments of realization, as hard as they are to accept.

I find too often in my own life I am consumed by the busyness of the world and put a lot of things on the back shelf. I become busy with school work and put my friendships at the back of my mind; I become busy with keeping up with my friends and forget about my work and other duties. And in all of this busyness, I lose sight of God. I go to church and bible studies, and weekly fellowships, but I allow my growth to be stunted except for those hours during the week. I do it all right but I don't invest the time or passion into continuing to grow as God wants me to. I think I can get by with just the basics, but I am always mistaken. It's then when I become worried with various little instances and allow myself to second doubt the obvious. It is then when my moody tendencies get the best of me. It's when my focus is a little blurry and my life is viewed as another task to finish that I am furthest from what growth potential God has put ahead of me.

So here is to living our lives with a sense of purpose and an all consuming passion given to us by the One everything goes back to. The challenge we receive every day is how we will choose to live. Will we try to get by with just the bare minimum, hardly even scratching the surface, wallowing in self-pity and feeble excuse? Or are we going to go in head first, ready to take on whatever comes our way because we are empowered by a purposeful, passionate and loving Father? That much is up to us.

Now I don't want to leave any of you unsatisfied as you finish reading this post. I would hate for you to go away from this worrying about the state of my loveless cookies! Turns out I hadn't done anything wrong and all my cookies needed were some more turns of the spatula and getting my hands dirty (I washed them first.) as I hand rolled the batter.

Take this encouragement: If the loveless cookies turned out to be a hit, there's hope for our passionless lives. ;)

a quiet prison

Sometimes I wish I could literally shut off my brain.

Shut if off so I can go through one day without thinking.

To be free from all the what ifs and lies that spin my head around

What if I...

What if he...

What if she...

What if they...

What if we...

What if it all stopped?

To not have to listen to the voices that echo inside that I'm

not good enough

not strong enough

not worth enough

not special enough

And if I may be so controversial to say that sometimes it's nice to entertain the idea of shutting my brain off to the one voice I yearn to hear, just so I don't have to let Him down.

What a quiet mind that would be.

Free of all of life's complexities.

But would it really be free, or is this just imprisoning it still?

12/15/10

11/29/10

the world's moving too fast;

let me climb back under the covers for a while,

i'll hibernate in my fears tonight.

it's so much nicer to stay up here,

feeling like we stand on top of the world,

on top of our problems and on top of our troubles.

won't you stay up here with me,

away from the world we wake up to.

let's build a home in our minds.

i'll hold your hand if it'll help you stay.

and i promise you'll be safe,

under all the blankets no one will see you cry.

won't you stay up here with me?

we can play until the stars come out.

we can play until the sun goes down again.

i'll hold your hand if it'll help you breathe

i'll listen all night just to hear you speak one word.

won't you stay up here with me,

in the world we've created for ourselves.

don't ever tell me to come down.

this world's moving too fast.

so much of reality feels like a dream.

pinch me, wake me, tell me it's okay.

won't you stay up here with me

and hold me as i look over the edge?

you'll hold my hand as i held yours,

my anchor in a raging sea.

confession

Confession is really a beautiful thing. We never want to admit our faults but if we hold onto them, we give them more power over us than they should have. Even if it's one person who knows - or even if it's just between you and God - you need to let go of certain things. This is something I've struggled with, but it's freeing to know that someone else knows. It's part of the process of letting go. Trusting somebody else with so-called sacred information reminds us that we are not alone. It takes strength, but if it's done in the right environment it comforts you.

Future

QATAR 2022.

and we all thought we'd never have a high school reunion.

---

If I would have to choose one day to spend in Doha, it would be today. Not only would I have gotten to see half the youth group in the musical, but I would've been there for the blaring horns and stopped traffic, crazy locals hanging out of their Land Cruisers pushing 100, trying to pop a wheelie on their quad bikes. I want to see the waving flags, the smiling faces, feel the excitement in the air. I want to be kept up all night because the road in front of our house is packed bumper to bumper with at least three lanes - all going in different directions. This one night I will miss the revving of engines and the loud bass of the passing cars.

---

My hat goes off to you, South Africa. You did the world cup with style. If you could do it, surely Qatar can. Let's see the Middle East united in 2022. Even if it's just over football, at least that's more than they've got now.

Remembrance

We have all sorts of days set aside to honor an event that has happened in the past that we deemed worthy of being recognized once a year. Holidays, religious or federal, birthdays, anniversaries... A lot of these days aren't very applicable to our personal lives, though. We remember, remember the 5th of November but who was around when Guy Fawkes was? Why can we so easily forget things that have happened in our lives but remember these various remembrance days? I guess it's because people remind us that it's the 4th of July or a friend's birthday. We make a big deal out of it as stores decorate their windows and aisles months in advance.

It could be just me, but I feel that I so often forget things that God has taught me and the examples he's given me in my life. Tonight I was strongly reminded of a mountain that God pulled both me and an entire community over two years ago. (I'm not opposed to sharing what that was but the story is not the point, you can ask me if you want though...) You would think that something that involved so many people and was basically a miracle would not be so quick to escape my memory. But hey, we're only human.

This is why I like to keep a prayer journal. Not only because it helps me focus and keep my thoughts more organized (usually), but because I can have that record that I can go back to. I don't think it does anyone any good to dwell on the past, but we have to remember it. We mustn't look forward forever, for if we do not see the setting sun, we cannot know the dawn ahead.

Whatever has happened to us - messy, hurtful or joyous - serves a purpose. It still serves a purpose even if we don't figure it out for a year. So here's to remembering those instances in our lives, those set-ups and pay-offs that God the director puts in our life stories.

Have a good night, all.

Stargazer

A few years back, someone told me my name. Not the name that my parents have given me, but the name God knows me by. She said I was Stargazer. She saw me as a little girl, standing by the sea, wind blowing in my hair, collecting rocks. These rocks weren't just little gray stones, they were colored on the inside. She said I had such curiosity and fascination on my face, that I get excited by little things that I see in the world. And this is so true. I look at the world with wide eyes. I know that I could never stay awake long enough to take in even a tenth of what's around me, not to mention the rest of the world, but this excites me. It's like playing a game of soccer with a friend who's actually a soccer player. Chances are high that you're not going to win, but you're still going to give it your all. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, just that you tried.

I've been procrastinating a LOT today. I just don't feel like doing any work. I colored for most of the day and have been listening to a wide selection of music. I read a friend's blog post earlier of how he was inspired by this whole name thing I mentioned so he went on the quest to find his own. I think that's what started this thread of thinking today. I read that and now all day I've been feeling like Simba after he's run through that thicket that Rafiki pointed him through, when the storm clouds take shape into Mufasa and are telling him to "Remember. Remember who are you. Remember." I feel like that's what God's been telling me today. To remember who I am. To remember that I am Stargazer.

I've forgotten my curiosity. I've become scared to hear the answers to my questions, so I've stopped asking questions. I'm getting to that point again in my life when I realize how much I've become invested in a certain part of my life and I get scared, so I begin to remove myself in an attempt of protection. The last time I did this, I really screwed it up so I guess you could say things are taking a double effect this time around.

It's funny that I'm talking about remembering who I was since that's the theme of the newest film I'm working on for class. It's about a guy who's become insecure and unsure and who gets a chance to re-evaluate his life and whether or not he takes it. So I guess I finally figured out how I "randomly" came up with that idea. I really hate it when my main characters end up being myself. But then again, these are exactly the kind of things that remind me of why I am called Stargazer. You've gotta laugh at how God works sometimes.

Well, I guess that's it for now....I'm not even sure how I feel about posting this, but another thing I've been learning is the importance of sharing. So....here goes, I guess.

*click*

Healer

I've never really thought of God as "healer" before.

This summer I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism. It's really not as bad as it sounds. Google it, if you wish. I don't care. We've kind of known I've had it for quite some time now. Since my dad and his side of the family has a history for it, we always thought it was wise to make sure the doctors covered that ground in my yearly check-ups. Every year they said I had a low thyroid, but only this year did we finally find a doctor who acted upon it.

Yeah, I was pretty pissed. And scared. All sorts of information was thrust upon me and I got so overwhelmed, I basically felt like breaking down every day. I found myself having to decide if I wanted to take this type of medication or that, go down this path or that, stay with this doctor or the other one. Choices I never really foresaw me having to make. When I get really stressed out, my brain kind of shuts down and I need someone else to do the thinking for me. That time around, it was my mom.

So, we decided on a doctor and all of that good stuff and I started to take my medication. 3 pills daily, and an added bonus of vitamin D on Sundays! It gets annoying, but hey - it's the doctor's orders.

Really, I'm not trying to make a sob story out of all of this or anything. It's my blog so I can say what I want! But no, this is just another one of my realizations that I want to share. So here's how it all pulls together:

We are not who we are supposed to be.

At least, not fully. Here - on earth - we have many obstacles standing in our way between us and complete unity with God. Sickness is one of those obstacles. Every mere imbalance in our body was not intended to be there. One day it will all be restored.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away.

revelation 21:4

I never thought of God as "healer" before, because I never really had a reason to. Now that I am coping with my stubborn thyroid, I have that reason. I had that "A-ha!" moment.

I believe God is fully capable to heal whatever is wrong with us, physically, emotionally, relationally, mentally, the list goes on. I also believe that he uses us exactly how we are.

So I guess the most important thing is not to sit around saying you can't do anything because of the different obstacles in your life, because we can't do anything out of our own strength.

I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me.

philippians 4:13

At all points in our life we need to be open to God's plan. This has become an increasing theme in my life recently. Wherever we are is where God needs us to be, even if we can't see the reason, and that's the hardest part - not seeing the end result. Since I've been in an artsy mood, I'm going to use an artsy example. If you watch a friend paint or draw you're probably just going to see squiggles in the early stages and won't be able to make sense of them.

Or when I'm filming, I have a vision of how it will end up and I know what shots I need to film so I can match them all up in the editing stages. My actors don't see that vision, though. I tell them what they need to know so they can do their part to the best of their ability. They can't see how it will all add up, where all the different strings lead to. I really love envisioning God as the director of my life. It's a total geek trip for me, being a film major and all, but it's just so true.

So anyways. I pray that we will all be willing and open for God to use us however this scene of our lives calls for. I also pray against the lies we hear from the Enemy telling us that we can't do anything because of our imbalances.

I believe in a God who heals.

Be blessed.

RE: Beauty

I spent the weekend at Virginia Beach with another part of the extended family God has blessed me with. During the retreat, God revealed to me some more truths that feed on what I realized in my last blog post, which is why this one is a reply. I feel like Thursday night's realization was more of an introduction to what I would be shown on Saturday night. I'm learning about set-ups and pay-offs in my film class right now (when a director will introduce something in a movie and then bring it up again later, showing you its significance), and I guess this is my own real-life example of it.

To give a short re-cap of the last post, I shared that I am recognizing that I need to let go to my own selfish desires and lay them down at God's feet. Specifically, my identity. Who I am as a person, what defines me. Specific attributes that I value and want for myself. These include beauty, understanding, consistency, passion, etc.

We kicked off our weekend sessions talking about pride. The sad thing is that we think we know what pride is, but it always sneaks up on us. Pride isn't just the over-the-top pomp and strut. Anything we do that puts us on a higher pedestal is pride. Pride is a parasite.

So, on Saturday night as I sat on the floor asking God who I am, He led me to a verse.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires."

Psalm 37:4

The funny thing is that a friend gave me that verse in response to my last post. Then, I read it over and saw the relation but that was it. This time around, I was drawn to the word "delight". What does that mean? To find joy in something, to take pleasure in it. Okay. So then how do I "take delight in the Lord"? Well, what makes me stand in awe of Him? I started to think about God's attributes and who He is. He's beautiful. He's understanding. He's consistent. Hold on, that sounds familiar...

So wait, let's get this straight. Everything that I've been looking for in myself, God already is? YES. God showed me my pride, as ugly as it was. I was too scared to trust Him, so I held on for dear life, thinking that if I tried to achieve these things on my own that it would work. I had too much pride in myself and not enough trust in my maker, my protector, and my comforter. God is everything I want to be and all that I need. Once I am able to let go of my pride, my hands are free for God to take a hold of them and turn me around, away from my broken mirror and straight to His feet.

This moment of realization was so freeing. It felt like I was coming up for air. But, I have to say that this has been a long process in my life and it's definitely not over. I've struggled with image for I don't even know how long, and most of the time I didn't even know it was an issue, but God is faithful and so, so patient. So I hope that you take this as encouragement. This is what God is doing in my life, and I know that He has some marvelous truth that He wants to reveal in your life as well. He probably is showing you pieces now, you just don't know it because we can't see the bigger picture just yet. Just have faith, be patient, and be open to what God is going to show you. It's easier said than done, I know, but what isn't?

Have a blessed day!

behind Your eyes is where i know i'll find it,

cause who You are defines my dreams

-switchfoot

Beauty

Remember that Christina Aguilera song that came out how many years ago? "We are beautiful, in every single way, words can't bring us down" The one that was already pretty bad to begin with before Mean Girls stomped upon it? Yeah. Well, it's true.

Sometime last week, I wrote up a list of all the things I want to be. Beautiful was one of them. Beauty holds so much more than physical attractiveness, that I'm sure most of us have realized by now. Unfortunately, we can forget that so easily - especially when surrounded by huge billboards of impossibly skinny models flaunting the latest "style". I'm not trying to justify anything, but our generation is a tough one to live in. We're never good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, [insert favorite word here] enough. The message of our generation is a discouraging one: WE ARE INADEQUATE. So buy our product and you'll be fine. False. Go watch Fight Club.

1 Peter 3:3-4, some of my favorite verses in the Bible, sums it up pretty nicely:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
Instead, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in God's sight."

Key words? GOD'S SIGHT He's the only one that matters. Not the self-titled popular girls at school, or the fashionistas you pass downtown or whatever other manifestation of Satan we see around us that constantly tells us we are so inadequate. We have been made beautiful and clean and holy in GOD'S SIGHT by His infinite love and grace.

I, and a group of other girls, have embarked on a journey for the month of October. We have all chosen 8 items of clothing (or less, but I'm not sure any of us were that adventurous) to wear for the month. This is to challenge us to seek beauty in something other than our clothing, to go back to God's sense of beauty and how He values each of us more than we could ever comprehend. We are taking a stand against the societal norm of having multiple closets filled to the brim with clothes, not needing most of them, and still not knowing what to wear.

I've never really considered myself as a girl who struggles with this problem. Yeah, I can't find things to wear on some days, but I've never seen myself as a shopaholic. So when I first got the e-mail about this 8 items or less challenge, I kind of just glanced over it thinking, "oh, that's cool, but not for me."

After I jumped on the bandwagon (which is what I did) and started to get excited, I saw the real value in this challenge, realizing how we have a skewed vision of the beauty of ourselves. Girls get it bad, but guys are not exempt to this. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case any guys have gotten this far.

There's a Christian artist out there named Jimmy Needham. On his website, he has a whole section dedicated to his wife. Not like a shrine or anything about her, but for her to put her thoughts out to reach others. (Here's the link.) On her page, she talks about relationships and approaching them from a biblical perspective. In one of her write-ups, she shares how she had made a list of all the qualities she required her Prince Charming to have and one by one gave them back to God, saying it didn't matter if she met someone with them or not. We all have those lists. We form our ideals and cling to them with all our heart. If anyone finds that guy or girl with all of their ideal traits, please let me know.

Any girl who's been a Christian long enough has probably gone through the "let's write a letter to our future husband" activity. I've been in that a couple times now and I don't think I wrote a letter either time. Really, what are you supposed to say? Pardon my cynicism, it's 1am.

But anyways, back on track. Personally, I've been realizing more and more that I need to give my dreams to God and trust Him with them because He's the only one that knows what to do. Not just realizing, but acting upon this. So going back to the list that I had mentioned at the beginning of this post, not only did I write traits about myself but also those traits that I hope my future husband will possess. I wrote them out so I can let them go.

Most importantly, I need to let go of the woman I want to be and allow God to mold me. I am a firm believer that you can't support someone else on a foundation of sinking sand. Which is why I need to transfer my desires to God, and let Him carry the weight of the desires of my heart.

This brings us back to beauty.

As I said before, "beautiful" was one of the first words on my list of myself. I want to be seen as beautiful, I want to be cherished. I believe that's a cry of a lot of our hearts.

Tonight, God told me something awesome. While singing a song entitled none other than "Beautiful", I felt God telling me that I was the one who was beautiful. In thanking God for allowing us to see His beauty in the midst of our broken world, He told me that we are all beautiful. Would you like to know why? It's because we have the King of Beauty living in our hearts. He who lives in us makes us beautiful.

Kinda crazy to think about, huh? Well, that's God for ya. That's all I felt on my heart to talk about, so just rest on that. I pray that you will be able to realize, as I have, that we are beautiful. Just like Christina sang. Be blessed.

Thank You for showing me that I'm beautiful, God.
I am beautiful because I have the King of Beauty living in my heart.
You are in me and have made me beautiful, Lord.

Home?

this world is where i breathe,

let it never be called home

-jon foreman

"Home is where the heart is," so they say. What is home, really? Is it just an idea, a fleeting feeling that we've all come to recognize as this four-letter word? I guess.

Home has always meant where my family is. I find myself jealous of those who have lived in a single house for their whole lives. To be able to go back and recall memories. The tree where they broke their arm...the faint crayon markings on the walls... I have none of that. It would be nearly impossible for me to recall memories from a physical instigator. Our family has moved on time and time again and others have moved in, making their own memories for however many years. All of my memories must be stowed away somewhere in me to be taken

out on a rainy day. Perhaps this is why I get so freakishly meticulous when I journal.

Now, when I think of home I have to admit (with a deep breath) that this is home. Here, where I am now...this is home. Take that however you will. I see it that God has me where He wants me, for whatever purpose I am to fulfill. If this is where I am called to be, then this is my home.

That took a lot to admit.

I haven't been feeling homesick so far this semester. It's not that I don't miss my family (loosely defined) or being in the Middle East, because I do. It's that I no longer feel an ache in me. It's hard to describe if you haven't experienced it.

I spent the better part of last year being bitter and wallowing in self-pity because I was back in the States and all the relationships I had formed in the year before and less were being violently pulled away from me, filled with an ocean, a continent, and a 14-hour flight. You wouldn't've been able to tell unless I showed you. I'm good at ignoring my emotions, that is until they become over-bearing, and then I burst.

Now, I'm good. Maybe because the last thing I could call home is now gone. Or maybe I'm just maturing in some way. Whatever it is, I'm learning how to be okay with where I am. It's not an easy process, but since when are things ever easy?

Over the weekend, I went down to Liberty University with some friends for a concert. It is a huge Christian college down in southern Virginia. Since I started college applications about three years ago, I've been toying with the idea of getting a "Christian-based education" (whatever that actually means). I almost seriously considered the idea of transferring sometime over the summer. Not to Liberty, but somewhere. I am glad I was able to say almost just there.

Being down on Liberty's campus really confirmed that I am supposed to be here at American. It just felt foreign, and for me - the girl who feels at home in airports - to say something feels foreign is sayin' somethin'.

All of this is just a long-winded way of saying what I said at the beginning of this, that God has me where He wants me and that's all I need to know to be happy.

Psalm

I have sincerely missed writing, and I am so thankful and glad that God is giving me inspiration again.

---

Lord, only You will ever know my heart,

try as I might to share it,

try as I might to give it away.

Lord, only You will ever have my heart,

as much as I want to keep it.

It was never mine to begin with.

You spoke life into my very soul.

You drew every dream I've ever seen.

Every good and perfect thing has come from you.

Even I, as imperfect and scarred as I am.

I have been made holy and fully righteous in Your eyes,

by bloodshed that I made necessary.

After all of this, I still choose the world over You.

My sheer stupidity astounds me,

but what astounds me far more is You.

You, in all Your perfection and goodness.

You, who chose to rescue me from the deep

for no other reason than pure and honest love.

Oh, how I might give that back to You.

You, who watches over me even when I am sleeping.

You, who has set me free from all my fears.

How can I have fear when I have You, Lord?

You, awesome in power, mighty in strength,

the One who wipes our tears away.

It is all because of You,

there is no other purpose in this life,

but You.

Scribbles

I took a walk last night and I finally found the words in me to put down on paper.

I'm going to be hypocritical and tell you not to try to figure me out.

Yes, I wrote it last night, but it is something that has been in me for a while now and only decided to form itself into black scribbles last night.

----

am i too scared to see what is right in front of my face?

that the very thing i've been praying for might be, in fact, a reality?

why, though?

if it has been consuming my thoughts so much, why is it taking me so long to accept?

am i scared that if this desire is confirmed that it would become any less than it could be?

i am too scared to trust God completely.

the very thing i want Him to give me so desperately is the very same that i cling to with my heart.

but if my heart belongs to God, how can i continue to hold on to it?

if only.

it's funny how hard we have to be hit to make a simple reevaluation on our lives.

you would think it's easy, and then you have to do it.

the hardest things to admit are to ourselves.

to see our faults and misdeeds and brokenness

but to know that we are still completely loved.

and not just by a friend, but by the very One who made us His and His alone.

Selfishness

I love to listen to people.

As much as I love to listen, I hate selfishness.

I will sit quietly waiting for someone to realize I need to talk too.

I spend a lot of my time waiting for people to realize things.

It can be dangerous to only listen.

So thanks to those who listen to me in turn.

There's not much of a point to this.

Adventure

Adventure is scraping up your knee and not caring.

Adventure is worshipping in the middle of a roundabout.

Adventure is learning a new language.

Adventure is talking to someone you don't know.

Adventure is hopping a fence for the first time.

Adventure is not having no fear, but having no regrets.

Where is your sense of adventure?

I found mine again today.

Family

Whenever I use the word family, it is loosely defined. Over the years, family has come to mean so much more than the mere blood that runs in our veins. It is still defined by blood, but by the blood of Christ. Friends are the family you choose, but I think they were chosen for me.

Family is who sticks with you no matter what, no matter where.

I've come to understand that I've taken my family for granted, like I do with so much else. I've only realized it this past year and change when I've been living halfway across the world. I guess that's normal though, what is that saying? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? I kind of hate that saying, but I guess it holds true to some degree.

Right now time difference sucks. Eight hours and soon to be nine.

Story of my life.

Doesn't make it any easier, though.

Santiago

According to esteemed Arab scholar, Santiago, reading strategies for Arabic start with finding the appropriate field with limited lighting so that extra-terrestials will be attracted to the spot to make crop circles.

He has successfully offended half the world in one go.

Congratulations.

Three Years Later

Three years is a long time. The only reason I'm back on here was to leave my mark somewhere else. Of course, I have to leave my own virtual footprints here though, too.

Well, I don't really have much to say. I've been out of practice for a while. I haven't written anything in a long time. It's kind of weird.

Really, the real reason I'm writing on here is because I'm too afraid to admit that if I watch Jersey Shore, I might sincerely like it. I mean, I liked Wristcutters so I might as well like something else. (That's all Paul's getting.)

Now I'm turning this blog into what I don't want a blog to be. I'm already too analytical, I don't need to publicize it.

So this is me signing off to do my Arabic homework even though my butt is already numb from re-activating and re-vamping my blog.